Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Nonstop crying

Benjamin has been crying for about an hour with barely any reprieve. His medicine is *supposed* to be on its way. It used to help him to be held when he got like this, but now he doesn't even quiet down when we hold him. Because of his wires, he have to hold him right by the bed, so no walking around. We can sit in the chair, too, but that doesn't help that much either. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I'm so frustrated because there's nothing I can do to help ease his pain. I'm so tired because it's been nine nights since I've slept in my bed. I'm worried because I just don't know what the future holds. The immediate future (will he be in pain all night...will any of us get any sleep) or the distant future (will he have long-lasting complications from this surgery...how will that affect his/our future).

It's just hard to see this as a memory yet, to know that one day I'll look back on this time as difficult but necessary. Because right now it's just now. And it's hard.

Thank you so much for praying. I haven't lost heart. I've just lost steam. Thankfully Matthew is still the rock that he is. And I know that God is still the same. He knows what I'm going through and He wants me to lean on Him through this. And He gave all of you to me to lift me up. And I'm so thankful.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hugs....

Sue

Anonymous said...

Angela,
we are praying for you and your sweet family. I am praying for relief from Benjamin's pain and that y'all will have a good night sleep. The Lord has already has answered so many prayers and he will answer this one too. Love, Selena

Amber said...

Girl, he's just out of steam, too :) Who can blame him for having a little cryfest?

Thanks for updating before my bedtime! lmao...

Erica said...

Oh Angela. I hope his meds get there quickly and work quickly too! Its ok to be out of steam I would of crashed along time ago. Hope you get some rest tonight.
HUGS

Anonymous said...

Hang in there! I wish I could just give you the biggest hug ever and lend a shoulder for you to cry on, but God so knows what is going on with you and with little Benjamin right now..... and He cares. I am praying for you right now..... Karla

heidi marie said...

hang in there...it'll be okay. henry seemed to do the same thing. he had a day or two after coming off pain meds that he was fine, and then a day or so before we left he needed some pain medicine. and actually, don't be surprised if you have to call your cardiologist to get pain medicine after being home. i had to after a couple days...tylenol was not cutting it. i think he needed the pain medicine for a couple days after being home because we were handling him more!

lots_of_love_four_kids said...

Oh- poor Benjamin. I'm so sorry that you are all being tested right now. Hopefully the medicine will help him relax and you can try to get some rest too.
Praying for you,
Jenni

Mary Jo said...

OH hun, there is nothing worse than knowing your child is hurting! I hope that he is more comfortable by now. The whole process has got to be overwhelming and there is only so much he (and you!) can take at one time. Like Amber said, I think he's run out of steam too.
So sorry about all the unknowns - that is beyond hard. Take one day, one hour, at a time as best you can. It's when we think about the days and years to come that they feel unmanageable.
It's OK that you aren't able to be strong right now, Matthew will be strong for you, your family and loved ones will be strong for you, and HE will be strong for you.
HUGS - MJ

Susan Massoud Farley said...

Oh goodness, I am crying for you all just reading this. Take it one hour at a time, and one day at a time when you can. Try not to worry about the future (yeah, right, much easier said than done, i know)Do what you can for all of your mental and physical health one moment at a time. Poor little guy is worn out from everything too...this too shall pass. You are all entitled to a big cryfest in the meantime.

Branton Family said...

Hang tight. . .you will get through all of this soon. Zach didn't want me to hold him either. . .I think he was just so agitated he wanted to be still. He knows you are there, and that is what counts. Zach has two leaky valves right now. . .probably due to his infection but the doc said many Down's kids get leaky valves after surgery. They don't know why. . .just do. Pain management and detox is the worst. In a few days it will be over, and he will be back to himself again. Stay strong and remember to look for those little blessings God will send you along the way. Amy

Stephanie said...

oh Angela. I cannot imagine. There must be so many ups and downs. I want the doctors to be in constant communication with you and for the medicine to be there immediately!!! when you need it.

I have been amazed by your coolness through this week. I would have had a meltdown on the car ride there. I told Tim he would have been mopping me up off the floor. You have been so strong. Give yourself the slack to LOSE IT. Go scream in the hall. You have been strong long enough. What you are going through is terrible. No mother wants to go through what you have been thrown into.
I am sure his little body is just trying to figure out everything that is going on.
I am so sorry. I want this to be over asap and I am praying for no lasting affects from the surgery.
I am thankful you are in contact with moms who have been through this. Surely all of their affirmation has helped you know what is "normal" to expect with this surgery.
I am praying.

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy! I look to you for protection. I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings until this violent storm is past."
Psalm 57:1

Anonymous said...

hey Matthew, hang in there. Even if it seems like you're praying the same prayer over and over, keep it up - they are working, your wife is obviously under your protective and supportive banner. I'm looking forward to seeing you guys soon. Benjamin is a really cool kid. We know God has given him unique gifts and will use him to draw people to Himself.
Love and prayers for healing and stamina - Tim (the husband of blogirl)

Anonymous said...

Oh Angela and Matthew- what a very long and tiring experience for you both to endure. I wish I could do something like try to hold Benjamin or give you guys a break for a while. Just as you wish you could take Benjamin's pain, I wish I could take yours. When you hurt, I hurt too. Your other precious son is soundly sleeping all bunched over Baby Owl, Baby Rabbit, and Clifford, storing up energy so he can say, "Run like Andrew, Namma, run like Andrew!" Just keep trusting God for the strength you need. All you are going through is making Benjamin even that more special. I am looking forward to better news and easier times but so proud of your faith through these dark times. I am thankful I get to be your mom.

Kristen said...

It's ok to lose steam. You have been chugging along for over a week now, and you're tired. So is Benjamin. You are SUPER MOMMY and Benjamin is so lucky. I will be thinking of you tonight and looking forward to more updates tomorrow!!

Anonymous said...

Hey, sweetie, I so wish I could take away your emotional pain and uncertainty. Dig down there and get that strength that God has for you in reserve. I'm sending you hugs, holding you tight.

Know that I love you, Eunice