More bad news

Things were going okay for a few hours. We finally got him all medicated and fed and asleep. He slept from about 10:30 until 1:30, being woken only once to get his vitals. Matthew and I got some good sound sleep, too. Well, we needed it. I have been curled up in a ball on the smallest-couch-to-ever-be-passed-off-as-a-bed for half an hour to forty-five minutes with pillows over my head, crying like a baby as Matthew and the nurse hold Benjamin down so the IV tech could draw blood. Not sure why they couldn't just draw it through his IV line. But there was something wrong with it so they couldn't.

The reason they're drawing blood is because Benjamin can't seem to keep his temperature up. So they're thinking maybe he has an infection. They're going to run labs on the blood. Meanwhile I'm weeping and praying and hoping for the best. But expecting the worst. He's been screaming for almost 45 minutes STRAIGHT with absolutely no stopping. Barely stopping to breathe. They couldn't get a vein so they had to draw blood out of his heel.

I know it's the middle of the night and most of you won't read this until after the fact. But if you're up and reading this, please pray for my little baby. Please pray that he will NOT have an infection and that he will be able to calm down and stop screaming. That he will be able to eat once they are finished getting vials of blood from him and then that he will be able to sleep.

I am encouraged by all of you who have left kind messages. Thank you for that. I miss home. I miss my mommy. I miss my sweet Andrew and his innocence. I'm glad he has been spared this. I wish I had. I wish Benjamin had. It pains me to see him and hear him in pain. I feel that I have let him down through all this. I know I haven't. But it's how I feel when I hit rock bottom. Like by even bringing him into this world with all these problems that I have done him a disservice.
Please pray for me. I'm just beside myself with grief.

Gotta go nurse him. The sweet, sweet baby.