30-Day Bloggity Blogness: Day 10

Day 10: Something you're afraid of

Really? Just one? Well, you're gonna have to settle for three.

My most immediate fear is the fear of car accidents. Particularly in the rain. I was in a single-truck (yes, I had a pick-up truck) accident in college. It was about 1:30 in the afternoon. I was on my way home from class, and it was raining. There was a wreck up ahead, and everyone braked. When I braked, my light-weight truck started to hydroplane, and I could not control it at all. I tried to remember what they tell you, to pump the brakes, to steer into the hydroplane, etc. (or whatever it is), but I ended up going up onto the median and slamming the guardrail countless times until I finally just stopped. Also, my eyes were closed the whole time (instinctually so), and in my mind, I envisioned that I was hitting cars instead of the guardrail. To say I was terrified is an understatement.

Since then, I have known of FAR too many people (especially teenagers) who have not just had accidents, but who have lost their lives in car accidents. It is heartbreaking, and it is scary. I am always nervous driving in the rain. I am nervous riding in the rain. And my boys will never be allowed to get behind the wheel of a moving vehicle unless it's at Chuck E. Cheese's.

I do, of course, have two more fears. More like deep-rooted fears that I hope and pray never come true.

The first deep-rooted/irrational fear I have is losing Matthew. I think it's because he's so very wonderful, and I am so very dependent upon him for many things. If I were to lose him, you'd truly see that I am not strong. I am not brave. I do not have it all together. I. Would. Die.

The second deep-rooted fear is cancer. I've always had this thought in the back of my mind that I am going to get breast cancer. My grandmother got it when she was in her early 50s, and I've always just thought it would be my unfortunate turn some day. It doesn't help that several of my friends my age have been diagnosed.

But now that I have a child with Down syndrome, my fear of getting breast cancer has subconciously switched to Benjamin being diagnosed with leukemia. Children with DS have an increased likelihood to get leukemia. Any DS momma out there knows that. Any time there's a CBC taken, I have to remind myself to breathe normally after they tell me the numbers are within the normal range.

All that to say, I really am not an irrational person. I like thunderstorms. I smash bugs with my shoes. I have gone parasailing before.

But I do have those fears, and they're not going anywhere. I only hope they remain fears and never, ever become realities.