I do love the hospital, but I'd rather be at home

Well, I'm back in the hospital. Here's the story:
I didn’t really have any swelling when I was in the hospital, but the day I got home (Sunday), my legs started to swell. And on the inside of my right leg, right where some varicose veins are, it was hard and red. I didn’t think much about it b/c I know swelling after delivery is normal. I figured the spot around the veins was red and hard b/c there were varicose veins there. Well, over the course of the next few days, it continued to get worse.
I called Shana (my OB's nurse) this morning, and she told me to come in today and let Dr. Harnsberger look at it. (My doctor, Dr. Brody, is on Spring Break w/his family.)
Dr. Harnsberger took one look at my leg and said, “You’re going back to the hospital.”
Siiiiiiigggghhhhhh
I’ve had shots of blood thinner in my stomach, and I have an IV to give me antibiotics. They are all safe for breastfeeding.
I had an ultrasound of my leg to see if there is a clot, and I’m still awaiting the results.
Thankfully I am back in the same wonderful hospital with the world’s most wonderful nurses who are taking wonderful care of me. And though he’s not a patient (meaning no provided diapers and I can’t send him to the nursery, lol), I can keep Thomas with me. Matthew is staying with me, too. Good thing b/c I can’t get out of bed! I have to stay in the bed unless I have to use the bathroom. Not quite sure if I'm even allowed to shower. I've never been on bedrest before.
This bedrest thing is for the birds! I just hate having to ask for everything! Matthew had to come here before he had time to pack so that he could stay w/Thomas while they took me for my ultrasound. So now he’s back at home packing our things and taking things for the boys over to my parents’ house. I am holding Thomas b/c I just nursed him. He needs a diaper change but I can’t get up to do it. I hate to call a nurse to do it b/c he is not a patient anymore—just me.
My lips are chapped but my I’m not sure where my chapstick is. Chapped lips when you don’t have access to chapstick are the worst!!
Ugh.
I am tired. I just had a baby six days ago. I haven't exactly been getting any sleep.
I’m sad b/c when I left the house today it wasn’t to go to the hospital for 3-4 days. I miss my Andrew and my Benjamin. I barely got to spend any time with them since I’ve been home from the hospital.
I’m sad b/c my niece’s birthday party was tonight and I missed it. She was really looking forward to seeing Thomas at her party b/c they share a birthday and she loves babies.
I'm sad b/c my brother and SIL are revealing the gender of their baby tomorrow night at a family “gender party” and I will miss it.
I'm sad b/c my mom’s 60th birthday is Saturday, and I will most likely miss her party.
I know, my health is more important than parties. But it still makes me sad.
Plus I’m hormonal and sleep deprived, and those things aren’t helping.
I’m obviously worried that this could develop into something more serious. If it is indeed a blood clot and it were to spread to my lungs, I could die. Die. Like dead. Wow. That is sobering.
Matthew and I were talking last night about having more kids. We have always thought that we wanted four children. But having a child with special needs is hard. And causes you to re-evaluate your prior goals and desires. Plus, my veins have been really bad this pregnancy. It might just be better for my body if I’m not pregnant again.
Though I love it. Love it. It makes me sad that I may have been pregnant for the last time and didn’t even realize it. I might not ever get my Katherine Elizabeth. And that breaks my heart. But not because I really want a baby girl. Truth be told, I love baby boys. They’re easy. They’re familiar.
But what I want is what my mom and I have. I want a daughter to be best friends with when she is an adult. Sons are great, but they’re not daughters.
So we’re not ruling it out but not as gung-ho as before.
Meanwhile, it’s after 10:00 and Matthew is still not here. It feels like 2 a.m.
I’m so tired. I hope Matthew remembers everything we need. Poor guy. He is stressed, too. He has been working from home (and from the hospital) since last Thursday. He has two big meetings out of town next week. He’ll be gone Tuesday morning through Friday night. Thankfully, it is my mom’s spring break, so she can (and is glad to) help me out with the boys. Good thing.
Because on Monday, Andrew has a dentist appointment.
Tuesday, he has a follow-up with the ENT doctor.
Wednesday, I have my two-week OB follow-up.
Thursday, Thomas has his two-week check-up and I have to take Benjamin for another blood draw to check his white blood cell count.
Oh, that’s right. I forgot to mention it with all the chaos. On March 19, Benjamin had an endoscopy. While he was under, they took some blood to run routine tests. Turns out his white blood cell count was low. (Normal is 5 to 15; it was 3.4.) His doctor had me bring him back in when I brought Thomas for his five-day check-up for a CBC (complete blood count). His white blood cell count had actually gone down from 3.4 to 2.7 in 11 days. All his other levels (platelets, hemoglobin, etc.) looked normal, so that was encouraging. The doctor thinks it is just a viral infection that is not strong enough to make him sick (he is extremely happy and seems as well as a horse) but is enough to affect his white blood cell count.
But of course I can’t help but wonder if my worst fears are coming true and that my sweet, darling Benjamin has leukemia. (Kids with Down syndrome are much more likely to get it and all of us moms fear this.)
Anyway, so next week is super busy. I only hope I am out of the hospital by then and have a clean bill of health.
Thank you all for your prayers and emails and Facebook messages.
As I was lying in the bed earlier today having an ultrasound done on my leg, tears were just rolling down my cheeks as I prayed and asked God to please make all of this okay. Told Him that I was sorry for neglecting Him lately and my time with Him. Thanked Him for loving me despite my flaws and my shortcomings. Thanked Him for the many blessings in my life. Thanked Him for this Easter Sunday when we will celebrate the resurrection of His Son, who died for sinners like me. And like you. I hope you know Him. I know many of you do. And I also know that many of you don’t, and you’re okay with that. You think that Jesus is okay for some people but not for you. Let me tell you in a loving way, you’re wrong. He loves each and every one of us. He died for each and every one of us. And even though I don’t talk about Him a lot on my blog, I just wanted you, my blog reader, to know that He is the reason that I am not falling apart.
Through my son’s diagnosis of Down syndrome.
Through his heart surgery and intestinal surgery.
Through all the illness this winter and how incredibly difficult it was.
Through all the trials and the joys.
He is the reason.
Sure, I have a wonderful support system. A good sense of humor. And the most wonderful three sons ever.
But before that, and after that, I have Christ.
And I know that He is enough for me.
And He is enough for you, too.