Saturday, January 30, 2010

About Benjamin, Part 2

It happened twice this week.

Both times Benjamin had fallen asleep right before we got to a doctor's appointment. I knew he needed to sleep, so I loaded up the stroller and, pushing it at the same time, carried my sweet boy into the office in my arms, where, both times, he got a good nap while we waited.

And both times, as I stood (or sat) in the waiting room holding Benjamin against me as he slept, I could feel Thomas kicking and moving around underneath Benjamin.

Almost as if he was battling for space.

Here I am, expecting a baby in less than eight weeks.

And as I held Benjamin and felt so needed as his mother, I was reminded by Thomas that he is coming soon. And he will need me.

And I had a sinking thought. Who am I disservicing more here?

What am I doing having a baby when I have a baby?

14 comments:

Kara said...

Oh honey, you will figure it all out when Thomas is here. It sounds overwhelming, and sometimes it is, but you can do it, you're an amazing momma, and Benjamin nor Thomas will suffer because God has your back. Hugs.

Allison Tate said...

I believe you have enough love for all 3 of your children. Your heart widens the time you spend with each is special. I have a feeling that all 3 boys will know how much they are loved and will never feel slighted. You are giving them a gift of a brother and a friend.

JILL said...

Don't ever question the gift you are giving to both Andrew & Benjamin... you are giving them a brother! How can you argue with bringing more love into their lives?

Tina said...

I believe God must have seen that it was best for your family for this new baby to born in a few weeks. Otherwise I don't think he would have sent you Thomas to be born at this time. You might have to rely more on HIM to get you through at times but HE has given you another gift to love!

Tricia said...

You are a great mom. You will do fine. YOU are a great mom. Mothers of multiples juggle babies, so can you. You ARE a great mom. It will just take an adjustment period. You are A great mom. Lean on those around you who you trust. You are a GREAT mom. And trust yourself. You are a great MOM. You can do this. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM.

Courtney said...

I know it feels so overwhelming right now. Lucy was 16 1/2 months old when Brodie came into the world. She wasn't walking. He was incredibly high needs (reflux and general cranky disposition!). There were days that I just cried and cried. Am I encouraging you yet? Of course not...I haven't gotten to the good part yet!

Almost fifteen months later and they are best friends. Brodie is the best motivator Lucy has ever known. He has brought out so much in her...compassion, strength of will, love, and the desire to run and climb! Ha ha. She will make him a better person, a better man, a better husband, a better father, a better brother because of who she is.

The first few months were so difficult, yes, but the rewards are tremendous. You will be great at this, and those boys are all going to love each other so much. At the end of the day, isn't that all that really matters?

Anonymous said...

Angela, I can't believe you ARE a mother. I can't believe I'm a grandfather. I can't believe I'm replying on your blog. I can't believe that I am anonymously anonymous. I can't expect you to post this. I love you.
BigDad

Leah said...

Sweetie, we ALL feel that way when we have another on the way!!! My boys are just 14 months apart, so Noah was very much a baby still when Tyler arrived. And...Tyler was the most difficult baby in the world. But you know what? They are SO CLOSE!!! They're now 21 and 22, and they've ALWAYS been joined at the hip!

The feelings you're having right now are perfectly normal. It's part of the worrying we do when we're pregnant and big changes are coming to the family.

Kate said...

When we were preparing for Oliver to come this is something that went through my head frequently to the point where I had a breakdown. With Aden and Oliver being 14 months apart I felt like I was robbing Aden of just us time, but honestly, I probably would feel the same way even if they were 2 or more years apart. It takes awhile to get everyone adjusted but then everything just flows. It feels overwhelming for a bit (the first thing I did when we brought Oliver home was grab Aden, held him and cried). You're an awesome mom, Angela, and you can do it!!

paula said...

Angela, your brother Michael has yet to forgive me for having you when he was 22 months old. He probably never will! ha When we wonder how our love can be divided, and how we will properly love our babies that is when we have to remember that it was God who gave them to us in the first place, so He will help us love them enough. I had a hard time sharing my heart with two, and had no one to talk to about it.

Heather said...

I had these same feelings when I was pregnant with Griffin. Your heart expands, your arms get wider, you just figure it out. And you'll continue to panic on a regular basis. I still panic about it to this day but I wouldn't change a second of how my boys came to be my family. ((hugs))

notthemonster3 said...

heather said almost exactly what i was going to say! God brought you to it, He will bring you through it. maybe a little cliche, but a lot true. it may take some time to learn how to juggle but in the end it will be as if you've done it all your life.

Sandi said...

I could write a novel to you about this, but I won't. Instead, I will tell you that I felt this same feeling...um.. 14 times. The second thomas is in your arms, the first thought will be, I can't wait for Benjamin to see him! But, no matter what any of us tell you, the feeling remains. You'd think I would have let it go by now after this many. But it's always the same. What have I done? This poor baby, or this poor new baby will never get the time, the love..... It all works out honey! Trust in the Lord. He will magnify you to do this calling. You are doing HIs work. There is nothing more important than being a mom!

blessingsandglory said...

Oh dear. This post pulls directly on my heartstrings. I'll admit I suppressed these feelings before William was born. And once he was born I was petrified. "I can't do this! Three kids, what were we thinking? And what about Charlie and all of the extra attention he needs? And what about this baby? Doesn't he deserve more of my time too?" On and on.

I'm not going to lie - it's hard. But somehow it all works out. Your heart stretches. Benjamin will all of the sudden seem so grown up - independent even. Yes, partially because he "had to", but also because he will want to be a big brother to his sweet new baby brother.

Your heart will grow. You will continue to be the amazing mom that you already are. I'm still not sure how, but somehow it all works out. You just have make the decision to push those worries aside - because they aren't worth worrying about - and don't let another worry (the one waiting right around the corner) take it's place.

xx Libby